|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| It's difficult to fight something that isn't physical. In the past I've made fun of the mentally challenged and ill, just as most of America does. I failed to realize that these people are suffering, whether or not they seem aware of it. Becoming a victim of a mental illness has definitely put things in perspective to me about this issue, but also about alot of other aspects of my life.
I do not want pity when I talk about this. I am a fighter and I will continue to fight this and reclaim the joy I once had. I'll be starting college next year, not sure what to expect but definitely sure I'll be over this. I can't say much on this blog... I'm pretty limited. I should just stop now. Peace.
| | |
| I noticed yesterday that the format of my last post is alot similar to a Youtube rant. If you ask me (which you obviously aren't because you're nobody, since nobody reads this), that's all Youtube really is; A bunch of people complaining infront of their webcams/cameras/whatever. My webcam is pretty shitty, if I had a better one I suppose I'd be another with rants and raves... rants and raves? Why is it called rant and rave? This is my guess....
 &  Yeeahhhhhh..... Ok whatever, I just posted on Xanga two days in a row. HORRIBLE.
| | |
| I'm pretty sure nobody reads this, so I don't care what I say on here. It's better for me to put this somewhere that's public, makes me feel as if I'm reaching out (although nobody even knows this site exists anymore).
The military isn't all that it claims to be. Everybody who hasn't been in the military claims the recruitment is all brain-washing and that you're lied to and that's all false. There's only one part of the military that's slacking and it's the most important part, the medical.
This is the reason people join, they lack the job stability for healthcare, don't have enough money to pay for dental, etc. You get health care, but the health care you receive comes with "Terms of service". You know what I mean right? That shit you don't read because you just wanna get into the damn site, like myspace, facebook, or any porn site if you're dumb enough to actually PAY for that crap.
Anyway, the terms of service I'm referring to is known as the "Feres Doctrine". Actually, it's "unknown" as the "Feres Doctrine".
In all the years of my life I have never worried about all the feelings, tinglings, aches, pains, in my body until my service in the military. I was in Guam and went to the doctor for excruciating head aches... The diagnosis came up as anxiety. After several psychiatric assessments, lots of therapy, and all kinds of other BS, I actually believed that I was crazy and started getting REAL panic attacks. BUT THIS WAS ALL FALSE. Later on, about 5 MONTHS later on, I came to find that I had untreated otitis media and sinusitis the whole time, that I was never correctly diagnosed with. In the civilian world, I could have sued for misdiagnosis and pretty much GIVING me panic disorder. Instead, I'm in a Physical Evaluation Board and leaving the military for a condition they created, which THEY claim existed prior to service. I'm fighting to get this information corrected, and to keep my benefits and GTFO.
Anyways, that's the BS I been going through lately. I was just looking over this Xanga for old times sake. This is the part where I post some shit I would never post anywhere that people actually pay attention to..
It didn't take me reading all my old blogs to realize this, but the blogs reinforced it. I shouldn't have ever broken up with Hai. What a dumb fucking mistake. Since no one reads this, and she probably doesn't read this either, I just want to tell her that... if you're wondering how I've been doing without you, not so good. If you've been hoping this would happen to me, it came true.
I know I deserved all the BS I've gone through with her. I really treated her like shit. Looking back now, I realize I was young in those days and I just wanted to experience life, and apparently to me life meant other girls. Stupid, but I was young. Although I'm still young at 22, I am much more mature. For the past 2 years I've been in the military (and not the reserves) on some grown-man shit. I've had several "encounters". I've actually been "desired". I've had younger women. I've had older women... I just took advantage of the benefits of being young, sexy, and perceived as being loaded with money.
Now I'm definitely not sexy(drinking caught up), still young, and loaded with money? HAH! Bullcrap. That's a lie and always has been. I look at that life I was living, which I thought I always wanted to live when I was growing up, and I don't even want it. I only need one woman... When I was younger I would always say this but the desire to live this fast life was still hiding in the back of my mind, and I kept treating Hai like shit when this stupid shit came to mind. Breaking up with her over and over... "Knowing" that I'll get her back. Heh, not so damn simple now. Not at all.
I remember when she told me her only dream is to be with me forever... That was my dream too. With her. But I was too young and too dumb to realize what's important in life. Love, care, and support. Being there for each other... Sharing dreams, sharing goals, intimacy, that special connection. If I could take back time, or if I could just visit myself in the past and physically kick my own ass to tell myself that the life I dream about is stupid, it would have never ended.
If I could go back and take that STUPID FUCKIN JEALOUSY I had towards her over this little master splinter pug dog lookin ass with his krispy kreme donut lookin face and shit, man... I'd knock some fuckin sense into my head. Jealousy is for bitches. To make that shit clear, I was a bitch. I was a bitch to her. She got over me messin with other girls and I couldn't forgive her one time. If there's anything I'm sure is gone, it's that part of my life... the jealousy part. To make shit simpler I choose to live by the "leavers leave, deceivers deceive" way of life. If I don't get HIV from you, no big. If you leave, no big. You feel that?
I don't even remember my other relationships like my relationship with Hai. Nothing else really fucking matters to me man. There wasn't no real love besides me and her, just shit that I got so deep into that I couldn't get out. That or I really just didn't wanna be alone. Well I'm alone now. Getting Hai back, ever? .... psh... I don't deserve her. If I ever got her back it'd be a miracle. She'd be my miracle. That'd be a great chick flick wouldn't it, ladies (as if any lady actually reads this) ?
I'm out. But know this Xanga.com (I can't possibly be talking to a person if no one reads this), I am a different man. I will never fuck anybody over like I did to Hai. EVER. I'm a better man, I have LEARNED from my mistakes, I have EXPERIENCED the fast life and you know what? I like the slow ride. Lust don't last, true love's forever.
| | |
| Within 6 months a whole lot has changed. I'm living on my own now, on the other side of the globe. I have discipline. I have steady pay. I have ... stability. In 6 months I've met hundreds of people, and I can almost remember all of them. It's amazing how my life has turned out so far.
There's not too much else I can say about the decision I've made. It was a good one. This "second resort" as I call it in my previous entry should have been the first thing I did when I graduated. I love it.
| | |
| "Stop trying to tell me to goto the military, if you want to
go - then go ahead. My life-plan differs from your life plan.
The military is an "I failed at life so this is my last resort" plan
for me. If my life-plan is thrown off real bad I'll join." Yeah I said that before. I really was a stupid child. It's funny because I understand now, why the military should never be a last resort for anybody, but more like a second resort. I've heard somebody say "good luck, but it seems like more of a last resort to me," and I couldn't get mad about it. Because I've said that before. But you know, things change, people change, and back then I was deranged. To this day people have no idea who I am, what I've done, where I've been, or anything. I'll leave it that way.
Give me 2 months and I'll be in that unifrom. 3 years and I'll have those gold bars.
I'm gonna make it. | | |
|
